It Doesn't Make The Guilt Any Easier
by De-gnome
Summary: John comforts Evan after the loss of his men. One-Shot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.****  
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**A/N: Yeah this was really a background fic, but kind of evolved into a bit of a hurt/comfort fic. I know its a bit odd.**

Evan had grown up with the average boy's ambitions: to fly, to become an astronaut, drive fast vehicles and make thinks explode.

Even with these more traditional ambitions, Evan evolved an interest in rocks. Whenever he was on a holiday, he would look out for and pick up any interesting looking rocks he found. By the time high school came round, he had quite an impressive collection of rocks.

So when Evan realised that he would not be able to afford to attend college and study geology, he was devastated.

Luckily and old friend had come into town, on holiday from the army. He told Evan how the army had helped him through his degree as an engineer, allowing him to live out both his dreams of being an engineer and saving the lives of people.

Evan looked into the armed forces and their ability to help him with a geology degree. When he found that they would support him, he applied to the Airforce. To Evan's surprise, he found he like flying and Airforce life as much as he did his geology. His passion and expertise in both fields led him to a top-secret program, where he ened up analysing the yield for mining a certain element that he had never heard of before – not on earth anyway. And if that wasn't enough, a member of SG1 negotiated with the inhabitants of the planet so that they would mine the shaft themselves, and hand all the 'Naquada' over to the SGC.

A few years later, he found himself living in the lost city of Atlantis, an alien city in another galaxy no less. Here he came across an enemy he believed was worse than the Goa'uld, and his defense of the expedition members and the inhabitants of Pegasus left him little time to divulge in his passion of geology.

Evan kept his fascination quiet, not out of embarrassment (like he did in highschool) but simply because a thing like that isn't really worth talking about. His team knew of course, as they would often see him examining rocks offworld and sometimes bringing some back through the gate.

This stayed the norm until the day that his CO came into his quarters to see him staring absentmindedly at a piece of quartz he had from his original collection, turning the rock over and over in his hand.

It had been a hard week. First he had been on a Rescue and Recovery mission for Sheppard's team, and then today, on a (supposedly) simple recon, he had lost one of his men, whilst another was in a critical condition, and was being sent back to earth at the next available opportunity. It had been a landslide. Rocks too loose for his men to be walking on. The boulders had seemed to be similar make-up to the rock he was now holding in his hands, but whilst this was a beautiful keepsake, those rocks had cost him the life of one, possibly two, of his men.

Sheppard spoke to him in a quite tone, "Lorne," receiving no response he continued, "Evan, what happened today was not your fault."

Evan remained silent thinking. If he had not ordered the men in front, if he had got them to watch his six, then Gendaz would be alive right now.

John sighed and looked around the room, before sitting on the bed next to Evan and his boxed collection. Picking up one of the rocks, he commented, "I take it you are a rock fan."

Evan sighed, "It was why I joined the Airforce in the first place – so they could put me though college to get me geology degree. Days like this, I wish I hadn't."

"I know what you mean." At Evan's disbelieving look, John elaborated. "I always wanted to fly. I also wanted to get a Maths degree. The Airforce allowed me both. And yeah, I also get days like this where I wonder if it is worth it, but then I force myself to think about what I have gained. My best friend is a really arrogant scientist, who I would never have got to know without Atlantis and the Wraith. My two other closest friends are native to this galaxy. If I had not come here, how would I have met them? Sure, I lose men – I lost a good friend in Ford, but I have also gained the friendship and trust of two of the most loyal, amazing and stubborn fighters and friends you will ever see." Receiving no reply, John sighed, and got up as if to leave.

Just before he reached the door, Evan turned to look at John for the first time since he had entered, still wearing a pained expression. "It doesn't make the guilt or pain any easier though, does it?"

John paused and turned back to Evan saying quietly, "No it doesn't. If it did, if you could remove this guilt, you would be losing men everywhere you turned, and you sure a hell would not be as good a person."

Evan returned his gaze to the rock he was holding, and put it back into the box holding the rest of his collection.

Almost a year after this discussion, Evan lost another two men on a mission. The objective of this mission had seemed simple enough. To provide back up for Sheppard's team and bring them home. Admittedly all the men and women had volunteered to go on this mission, but still the loss hurt. Returning to his quarters Even saw a rock sitting on his bed. When he picked it up to examine it, he realised there was a note underneath. Evan recognised his CO's messy scrawl immediately.

_Sorry. And Thanks. JS_

A small smile graced Evan's lips.


End file.
